thats funny?

[terrpuss]

Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
A: The taste.

[terrpuss]

The difference between a New Yorker seeing his CAR being
vandalized & a Canadian seeing HIS car being vandalized is:

The New Yorker will yell "EH!!!! Wot you think yur DOING??"

The Canadian will yell "Wot you think yur doing EH!!???"

[terrpuss]

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

[terrpuss]

Top Ten Reasons For Being Canadian

10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

1. It beats being an American.

[terrpuss]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

[terrpuss]

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes in-verse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

[terrpuss]

Q : what did the ocean say to the beach?

A : nothing, it just waved.

[terrpuss]

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."

This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...

"Is Michael Jackson God?"

[terrpuss]

Marriage -- Part One...

1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).

2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.

3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.

5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger, and two under the man's eyes.

6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.

8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-ring
* The Endu-ring

9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

12) It's true that all men are born free and equal-but some of them get MARRIED!

13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

15) Conversations between son & father:
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

[terrpuss]

Marriage -- Part Two...

16) There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"

17) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

18) They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

19) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

20) There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

21) Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. (Irwin Corey)

22) When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. (Epperson's law)

23) Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. (Ray Bandy)

24) The more I know about men, the more I like dogs. (Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, 1995)

25) If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created. (Anonymous)

26) If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. (Chekhov)

27) Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. (Woody Allen)

28) Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life. But a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. (Al Bundy)

29) If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. ( Johnny Carson)

30) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. (Al Bundy)

31) An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)