Poker Jokes

[amagic]

Very nice!
If you had Jane mobil phone number you give me!
I will give not just my ball to Jane hand!

[amagic]

AK = Anna Kournikova. Always looks great. Never Wins.

[amagic]

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws.

Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

[amagic]

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

[Dika82]

A blonde woman was on a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. She stood in front of a candy machine, put in two quarters, turned the knob, and a candy bar fell out. She repeated the process, and again a candy bar fell out. Elated, she tried again as a man approached, saying, “Excuse me miss, what are you doing?”

She said, “Hello! I’m winning here!”

[gobruinsgo]

Do you know how a crazy man that is lost deep in the forest gets out? He takes the psychopath!lol

[djspeezy]

A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but I play better when I'm naked." She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head's-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, "I won! I won! I won!" The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot. "What'd she have?" the loser asked the dealer. "I don't know," the dealer said. "I thought YOU were watching.

hahaha that is hilarious. I have a good one: Tommy had a serious gambling problem and was a terrible poker player too. Every time he came home from the casino, his wife asked how much he lost.

One night, he didn’t come home at all. Finally, he staggered in at 9 AM. His wife started in on him, but he cut her off. “I have to confess. I got drunk at the bar last night and went home with a beautiful cocktail waitress.”

“Don’t give me that bull,” she replied. “How much did you lose last night?”

[Scroobydan]

Lol, great post Pdutty on the first page, I just wish that happened in real life

[LuckyGabrielo]

Accountant and a Sheep

An accountant was walking along in the country when he came upon a shepherd. The accountant says,
"Listen, Farmer, I can guess how many sheep you have."
The farmer starts to laugh:
"I have a lot of sheep. You'll never guess how many."
"Do you want to make a bet?" asks the accountant. "If I can guess how many sheep you have, you'll give me one of your sheep. If I can't, I'll pay you $100."
The shepherd concedes: "Ok, how many there are?"
"You have exactly 1,354 sheep," says the accountant.
The shepherd is shocked: "Incredible! I really do have 1,354 sheep! Well, a bet's a bet. Choose the sheep you want."
"OK, I'll take this one," says the accountant, picking it up.
Wait for a moment, sir," says the shepherd. "Let's make another bet: If I guess your job, you will give me back my sheep, and if I don't, you can take another one." The accountant agrees to the bet and the shepherd
says, "You are an accountant."
"Unbelievable! That's true! But how did you know?" wonders the accountant.
"Give me back my dog, and I'll explain."

[LuckyGabrielo]

Poker Cheatin'

Four cowboys were at an old saloon in Tombstone playing poker. A lot of money was at stake as the cards were dealt, and each was keeping a sharp eye on the other.
As one of the players called the hand and laid out his cards, another one stood up in amazement.
"Hey, George is cheatin'. He ain't playin' the cards I dealt him!"