Poker Jokes

[pdutty]

Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.


What is the…difference between a poker player and a dog?
The dog will eventually stop whining.

I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

[pdutty]

A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but I play better when I'm naked." She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head's-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, "I won! I won! I won!" The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot. "What'd she have?" the loser asked the dealer. "I don't know," the dealer said. "I thought YOU were watching.

[victor777]

Heaven or Hell for Bill Gates?

Finally, one day, Bill Gates arrives at the entrance gates for Heaven and Hell. St Peter looks at him worried and says "Frankly, Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You can choose either Heaven or Hell. Why don't you look around?"

Bill peeks in Heaven and sees a couple of old boring men, sitting around in armchairs. Then Bill takes a look in Hell and sees some great action: juicy women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling and especially poker.
"I love a gamble with poker" says Bill, "I'll go to Hell!"

But once inside, he is immediately tossed into the fire.
"Hey, what's this" Bill yells. "Where are all the women, sex and gambling?"
"Ah," says the devil, with a smirk. "That was just a demo version."

[JoeShowdown]

LOL I can just imagine that happening. Women certainly have advantages at a table full of men. Its fun when a lady sits down at a casino because everyone acts differently. Even if the woman is halfway ugly she is still hot compared to what we have seen in the last few hours.

A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but I play better when I'm naked." She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head's-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, "I won! I won! I won!" The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot. "What'd she have?" the loser asked the dealer. "I don't know," the dealer said. "I thought YOU were watching.

[LyndaNova]

Pretty good jokes, Pdutty. A couple of good laughs! Thanks!


Well, Joe, I hope you meet lots of ugly women that way, as well as tons of nasty men!

I'm sure that will keep live poker playing fun for you! Enjoy!

[SystEmsuX]

I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

That one is really similar to a Steven Wright joke. (one of my fave comics)

[PjTheAce]

I love that whinning lol

Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.


What is the…difference between a poker player and a dog?
The dog will eventually stop whining.

I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

[terrpuss]

Before getting a haircut the president asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"

Christophe replied, "Just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous." An hour and fifteen minutes later, the president looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.

The president gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it's costing me ten times more than you said!"

Christophe replied, "That makes us even."

[terrpuss]

LOT'S WIFE: The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN: A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?: A Sunday school teacher asked, ' Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA: Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked. 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

[terrpuss]

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know'

UNANSWERED PRAYER: The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.' "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked

BEING THANKFUL: A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night?’ That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did just then!'

TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

ALL MEN/ALL GIRLS: When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'and all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't have to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our house.' 'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!