jokesone

[murda82]

"Just a few days ago, the Dow Jones dropped another 240 points. And I can't tell you how frustrating it is to not know what that means."xd

[murda82]

"Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers."

[murda82]

Brain Exercise

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to
question four.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

[murda82]

he Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly (my favorite)
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future. (though this is good too)
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (this also rocks)
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature: (This one, too, was
our very favorite. As have others in life, seems that
we've encountered an inordinate amount of these "types"!!) :~)
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[murda82]

One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in charge, right?"

[murda82]

What did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost?
Spook when you're spooken to!
How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!
My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!
Do fathers always snore?
No - only when they are asleep!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework please Dad - I'm stuck!

[MRNASTY1]

Love your post`s murda82 keep them coming. #5 should be put in to the dictionary the way our economy is.