I got more if you want 'em!!!

[Limey777]

A blond left her car out in a hail-storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blond came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,"Excuthe me, mither, do you keep widdle wabbits?"The store keeper gets down on his knees so as to be on her level, and asks,"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybeone like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit!"

Oldie but still funny (to me anyway)

So ..... Why did the chicken cross the road?

George Bush
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us.
There is no middle ground for any chicken.

John Kerry
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road... I am now against it.

Colin Powell
To the left of the screen you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Donald Rumsfeld
I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months.
I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.

Martin Luther King, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Al Gore
That chicken was my chicken. I invented the chicken as well as the road that it crossed over.

Martha Stewart
No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the farmers market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
No little bird gave me inside information.

Grandpa
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

[Whatsthepassword?]

Very funny. Keep 'em coming.

[Limey777]

Difference between a man & woman's prayer

FEMALE PRAYER:"Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a
creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray
he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. Pulls
out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send
me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my
behind?" I pray that this man will love me to the end, And always be my very
best friend. Amen.


"MALE PRAYER:"I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a bass boat. Amen


A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible! " He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" " No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."


If easily offended, DO NOT read the next one!!!!!!!

4 nuns are killed in a horrific car accident and they all go up to the pearly gates where St. Peter is waiting to meet them.
"Before you may enter you must all answer one question."
"Sister Anne you are first. Have you ever touched a man’s private parts?". Sister Anne replies "I cannot lie St. Peter, one time I touched one with the very tip of my finger"
"Ok Sister Anne, over there you will see a font and in that font is some of my holy water. I want you to go over to the font and rinse your finger off in my Holy Water and then you may enter heaven"
Sister Anne rinses her finger off and heads through the pearly gates.
"Sister Jane! Same question, have you ever touched a man’s private parts?" "I cannot lie St. Peter, one time I grasped one in both hands"
"Ok Sister Jane, go to the font and rinse both your hands clean in the holy water and then you may enter heaven"
Sister Jane goes over to the font and rinses both her hands and then goes through the pearly gates.
Sister Kate then rushes over to the font and sticks her head in the holy water, gets a big mouthfull and proceeds to gargle with it.
Saint Peter says "Sister Kate! What are you doing with my Holy Water?"
To which Sister Kate replies "I’m doing this before Sister Mary has to stick her ass in it!

[rayleb]

There lie the bones of Screwy Dick
He was blessed at birth, with a corkscrew prick
All his life he spent in the futile hunt
to find a girl with a corkscrew _unt
He finally found her, but then fell dead
son of a bitch had a left hand thread